Please don't pretend to like me if you don't. If you want to let go, let go all the way. I know I won't. I'll love you for as long as I live.. But just don't lead me on. It hurts even more when you do..

I know it doesn't breakeven

I can't help myself. Falling over and over for you. I can't stop this feeling in my heart. I just want truth. To do all I can to assure that you're safe. That you won't get hurt again by anyone. But I can't do that without having you to call my own. I'm done crying over this matter. I really am. I can't do this anymore. I would still hold on no matter what. That's how much I actually put into this. I can't let go. I love you.. Mistakes made cannot be erased. I can do what I can to improve. To be better. But I need you to be there, watching and understanding that all this is for you.

Guess it's karma. You win. You broke my heart, torn it into shreds and returned it to me. It's broken beyond repair. In the end, I was the one that handed the ball over to you. It's in your court now. It can't be helped. The bottomline is, I became the loser. I need a shoulder, an ear to listen. Anything from anybody. Any takers?

Crying in the rain.. That's truly emo. Managed that today. The chilly, ice cold rain pouring down from heaven above. Washing my pain away..

P.S. I love you.

Forever Love

Artist: 王力宏 / Wang Lee Hom
Composer: 王力宏

愛你 不是因為你的美而已
我越來越愛你 每個眼神觸動我的心
因為你讓我看見Forever，才了解自己
未來這些日子 要好好珍惜
愛我 有些痛楚 有些不公平
如果真的愛我 不是理所當然的決定
感到妳的呼吸在我耳邊 像微風神奇
溫柔的安撫 我的不安定
所以我~要 每天研究你的笑容 ooh 多麼自然

forever love forever love 我只想用我這一輩子去愛你
從今以後 你會是所有 幸福的理由

愛情是場最美最遠的旅行
沿途雨季泥濘 偶爾阻礙我們的前進
Forever Love lyrics on
http://music.yeucahat.com/song/Chinese-French/11235-Forever-Love~Wang-Lee-Hom.html
感到妳的體溫在我懷裡 像陽光和煦
巧妙的融化 我的不安定
不可思議 證明我愛你的理由 ooh 多麼自然

forever love forever love 我只想我用這一輩子去愛你
從今以後 妳會是所有 幸福的理由

妳感動的眼睛 我沉默的聲音
彷彿就是最好的證明
就讓我在說一次 I love you oh (直到永遠)

forever love forever love 我只想我用這一輩子去愛你
從今以後 妳會是所有 幸福的理由

Forever love forever love forever love

The Man Who Can't Be Moved

Going Back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand
saying, "if you see this girl can you tell her where I am"

Some try to hand me money, they don't understand
I'm not broke I'm just a broken hearted man
I know it makes no sense but what else can I do
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you

Cause If one day you wake up and find your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving

Policeman says, "son you can't stay here"
I said, "there's someone I'm waiting for If it's a day, a month, a year"
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go

Cause If one day you wake up and find your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving,
I'm not moving, I'm not moving

People talk about the guy that's waiting on a girl
There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world

Maybe i'll get famous as the man who can't be moved
Maybe you wont mean to but you'll see me on the news
And you'll come running to the corner
cause you'll know it's just for you
Im the man who can't be moved

Chorus 2x

Going Back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move

Letting go or clinging on

Many people told me to let go. I can't help myself. I can't let go of you. I can't.. It's not in me. I've tried to. I really have. I was afraid of getting hurt. I didn't want to feel pain. I let go. Now I regret, I'm scared. I'm feeling hurt right now. You're ignoring me.. I can't seem to forget about you. It's been 10 months but I still love you. You're still in my heart. Girl, what is this? Don't tell me you don't feel it too. You do don't you? You promised me you would try. That we would. There's got to be a reason why you did right? You did put in effort to contact me. To talk to me, to meet up, to catch up and to even stay over.. What is all this? I don't quite understand.. Please explain this to me.. Don't leave me hanging.. you know it hurts.. I've been hurting for so long already. Don't leave. You're already a part of me. Don't take what's me away.. I don't feel myself anymore. I feel lost and downright sad. Help me feel loved again. I need you..

I want everything but I just need you to give me something.. anything.. Don't leave me with nothing.

SuicidalAct

Lost in my own world

Things seemed all too familiar. But different. Things aren't the same anymore thanks to me. I can't erase the past. I can't make up for it. But what I promise is a better future. A promising one. I know I love you.. I know I do. With all my heart. Sigh.. Why must things be so hard? It's like getting lost in my own world. One I grew familiar and very fond with. One I want to always be in.. My world's revolving around you. I wanna tell you so much. I wanna promise you and keep the promises but it doesn't matter now. It all falls apart.. because of what I've done before. I can't prove myself until you give me a shot.. :S

P.S. I love you..

Chasing after you.. with updates in hand.

Considering I haven't blogged for abit. Maybe it's about time I caught up with myself. A few updates on life. Classes have finally started. I was on break before this. Let's review what I was doing before this during semester break.

Things Jack did during Semester Break
-Became a drunkard that was never sober.
-Trip to Broga Hill (It was a hike but we had a bottle with us then.. Chivas)
-Genting Trip (Only time I didn't have any alcohol. Was with Uni mates)
-Met up heaps of people.
-Stoned.
-Clubbed like an idiot.

That's about it. Wow.. how productive. Well, it was a lil before this time that I've figured I have another love of my life. Sigh.. after what's happened. It hit me. I needed to cherish those I cared for. Those I loved. I haven't been the best person. Never been the best companion or friend. Always got around to making excuses. Always pushed the blame. Pointed the finger. I know I'm wrong. I made my mistakes. I regret it. I've thought hard about this and I know for a sure fact that I want it to work out again. There's just SO much running through my head now about her. I know I need her. I want her close. To be sure it's alright. That's she is safe. I'm afraid. I have grown to have a phobia. A fear of losing those around me. Help me.

P.S. To the other love of my life, I love you.. I'm sorry. I know.. I'm scared too but.. I'm willing to try.. I've lost one of the two already. Don't let it happen again.

Somebody once told me that loving someone is to let go. I believe loving someone is to NEVER let go..

-SuicidalAct-

In memory of a brother.

It's been awhile but I'm back. After much anticipation, yet another chapter in the life of none other.. Me. Considering the fact that it's way past my bedtime, I still can't find a reason why I can't go to bed. It's officially 2 months and 1 week from his passing. About time I blog about him. All the many escapades we never share with others. Countless nights we spent star gazing, sitting in my car just chilling and growing up. Yes, the love of my life, the brother I never had - Shobaan.

Have I ever told you how we 1st met? Well, here it goes. Life was simple for me back then. The good, childish little boy I was. I finally grew to be in Secondary School. It wasn't exactly the 1st day of the school year but I was late. I was admitted later than most students into the then prestigious school - Victoria Institution. As it was my 1st day in school, I kept to myself most of the time. Met a few friends that would later on grow to be besties. Anyway, that's just a little prelude. It all happened on the way home. Public transport was the only option since my parents were usually busy with work. Alone and young, I was scared of the world around me. Tonnes of people surrounded me, quietly waiting for the arrival of their train ride home. School have only finished moments ago. "The 1st day of school.. not too bad", I thought to myself. Soon, I was aboard a giant, metallic vehicle slowly crawling it's tracks to each stop. Sri Petaling was the last stop and my destination. Soon, the teeming crowd lessened to a miserable few passengers. I minded my own business as I sat quietly in a corner of my own.
Footsteps echoed through the nearly empty carriage. As I looked up, someone caught my gaze. "Hi, are you from VI too?", a young indian chap approached and exclaimed. Almost instantly, his hand shot out from his side gesturing for a handshake. Obliged and shy, I lifted my hand and clasped it onto his. It was that moment, that handshake that changed my life. It was never the same again.
Our friendship grew as time drew on. Soon enough, Jack can never be seen without Shobaan next to him and vice versa. We were inseparable. We shared everything and talked all day. His company was uncomparable. Lovable, fun and straightforward. There was none other like him. Blunt and direct as he was, he was also someone that cared. 1st impressions never did too well for him it seems. Many disliked the idea of him around but soon everybody felt right at home having him around.
It was about 7 years and 7 months since our 1st meeting when it happened. All the promises we had for each other. You and I against the world. Us growing old together having grandchildren. Laughing, seeping on fine wine or sitting in chinese coffee shops till late at night talking about our past. The things we were going to do. My 21st birthday celebration. All of that and MORE. I thought it was true. Boy, was I wrong. Torn down and shattered like a mirror hitting the ground, it happened. The time was 6.30am, 10th September 2009. I was on the way home from Subang when I received a phone call. It was Shobaan or so I thought it was. As I picked up the call thinking it was him reconfirming our breakfast plans, another voice could be heard from the other end instead. The voice was familiar but did not register. "Tiru? ", I exclaimed. It was his girlfriend. She sounded in shock and worried.

"What's the matter?", I asked.

"It's Shobaan.. something.. something bad's happened. I don't know if he's alright or not. He got into an accident.. it was bad.."

From that moment on, my world was thrown into a void of darkness. Could it be? Did something really bad happen? Was this all a joke? As I rushed to the hospital, all these thoughts were swimming in my head. What could have possibly gone wrong?

Being greeted by tear stained faces and shaking voices always left distaste in my mouth as it runs dry. No words could ever comfort such happenings. Nothing could ever be done to undo what's happened. The Forensics Department it was called. What a joke. As I got there, I realized where I was, it was a morgue. Stunned and afraid, I was guided into a cold, empty room. Lying lifeless on the metal table was my best friend. -End-

A bitter ending it was to this tale. But all is not lost. Brother, I miss you more than anything in the world. Guess it's just you watching my back now. I stay up nights crying for your passing but nothing more can be done. At times I think of you and wish you were here but I know it's not possible. Here is a tribute to you. You'll always live in our hearts. As a brother, lover, son and friend. Here's to you.

To have lived the fullest life is not about how old you are or how good your life was, it is about being remembered when you are long gone.

-SucidalAct-