Complications in Life..

Like a spider tangled in it's own web, so have I made a whole mess of mine. It's sad but true. All may plans don't fit together. All that I've laid out in front of me didn't work. Nothing fell into place. Nothing went according to plan. I have failed. Today, I learnt a lesson I would never forget. And all this happened when I received only one text message from one special person that impacted my life over and over again. It truely opened my eyes though it screwed the rest of my day. There goes my skills in foosball and pool. Evidently, I still appeared to have fun and was enjoying my time on the outside. Sad to say, it wasn't how I felt. Thought ran through my mind like excited children scrurrying around the playground at their lunch break. My mind raced as I stood there intendly thinking about what I've done in life. All this because of one text message I received. Anyone else and I would have brushed it off as bullshit and have nothing to do with what I'm doing now. Sadly, this was different. She meant something a whole lot more to me than I realized. And what she had to say. It cut even deeper. All this isn't about relationships or crap. It's more about my future. And I noted that as I received it.

"What's wrong mann? Anything the matter? What's bothering you?" Came from a friend that cared. He seemed to have cared but yet, the void inside of me.. I've finally come to realize what it really was. I tried over and over again to fill it. With love, with friends and even with gaming and all sorts of other things. That wasn't it. It was purpose. A purpose in life was what I really needed. Nothing less than that. Anyway, the day passed by as it always would. I didn't go to college today since it was Orientation and the fact that I haven't cleared the full amount of the school fees and me not handing over my SPM slip worsened the matter. The case was this, I'm lost .And I really need help. I've reconsidered moving off to the States as and option to start anew. But it was too late. Sad to say, it was a little too late. Besides, I can't leave my friends here to start my life again. I belong here. Even if it were to mean that I've to hang on with their friends I have in this God forsaken land..

Rain drops poured overhead as I washed myself with tears. It was raining and I was stuck in my car. I parked a little away from the steps that led into my condominium. This was where I needed to be. To think. I can't do this anymore. Hope was lost and despair was here to stay. I really needed a smoke. I couldn't. I needed some food and a drink. I couldn't. Nothing is working the way I hoped it would. Nothing at all. I have met alot of new friends and I've did some stuff in life. But it wasn't really what I wanted. I wanted something that would actually bring good to my future. I needed an achievement. Thoughts raced through my mind as tears rippled down my cheeks. I have let my family down. I've gotten my close friends concerned. So many people worried about me without me realizing. Until today.. What am I really doing now? Can I actually have the nerve to let them down once more. It was no longer fondness towards my friends. It was more of.. love. Yes, I admit it. There are a few special people in my life that I truely love. Those that stood by me when I was down. Those that held my hand and told me to persevere. These are the people that really mattered to me. This is the only good thing that came out of my life so far. The people that made me feel at home.

I may not be strong enough to admit this before. But now, I am ready. I'm ready to confess. I have did my share of things I'm not proud of. I've did my share of hurting others and myself. I've been bad. But now, it's about time I turned to the right path. It's about time I changed the way things work. My bestfriend is happily married now. I don't want to disturb his life. It's his own to life. "I got your back bro.. no matter what." played at the back of my head. I know mann, you would always be my friend. Always would be. But yet, I have to let go. You have to set your priorities. I don't want to make her feel like I'm competing with her for your attention. I let you go. I'm the better man. Besides, it's not me you're spending the rest of your life with. It should rightfully be her. You've covered my back so often that I'm so glad I found you as my dearest friend, my brother. Now it's time to move on. I let go.

As for you, you may not know who you are but.. you've touched my life. You really don't seem to look like you care. Your advice direct. But I'm thankful for you always being there leading me on. I see the torch you lighted up for me. The one you carry with you wherever you go. I would follow wherever you lead me. Truth is.. I'm in love with you. And I'm glad that I am. Sadly, it's a shame but still, I would not mention this to anyone. Right now, I'm happy the way I am. The way I choose to be. Not meaning my life or anything. But.. the status I'm in. Single and such. Thanks anyway though that you've always been there for me. You're nothing special to be honest. To the plain eye you're just an average person. But to me, you're perfect.

Sigh, these feelings that rushed through me. I've nowhere else to go but here. For those that read this. Please, don't take it to heart. You're not the cause of my misery. It is me. Don't be fooled by the smile and laughter. But don't be down for my heartbreak. It isn't what it appears to be. It isn't how it should be. Whatever it is. I'm glad I lived this life. But I would make better use of this..

Lastly, I would like to say a big thank you to my parents..and my sister. They did a great deal for me. Having a black sheep in the family isn't anything anyone would be proud of. I know I'm not. And I'm trying my best to change. I've did so much to make them ashamed of me. I've did so much to cause them heartache and pain. Yet, they still love me the way I am. I'm glad I have them as my parents. No matter the circumstances. Well, I supposed that's about it for this time..toodles.


P.S. To all that made an impact in my life, I treasure you. For all that wrong me, I forgive you. To the few that made me feel loved, I love you too..

"Life isn't worth living unless it's lived to the fullest. Grasping the opportunity and living the moment is what living life is all about."

+>SuicidalAct<+